“Yes, I have empathy, and yes, I’m damn proud of that fact”: Mel Schilling on turning fear into confidence
Mel Schilling has become a recognisable face in most Aussie households. Mel’s expertise as the resident relationship advisor on Married At First Sight has helped dozens of couples navigate trying times in their relationships.
With over two decades of experience working as a psychologist and success coach, Mel knows a thing or two about confidence. Joining Cec Busby, editor of Flying Solo, the confidence expert shares her top tips for silencing your inner critic and channelling your superpowers.
Cutting through fear with emotional bravery
Mel’s work on TV and with her clients focuses on helping people be the best versions of themselves they can be. Her coaching and team workshops help identify the causes and impact of fear, using self-confidence and understanding to replace such feelings with courage.
Mel Schilling, author, psychologist and success coach.
“I found that a lot of the work that I was doing with people in organisations flowed through into other parts of their lives as well, and often into their relationship space,” says Mel. “So I became interested in not just single people finding love, but also people who were in relationships, and how to bring your power to that relationship.”
Mel attributes her ability to help others with an intrinsic sense of empathy, something she says has guided her since childhood. Despite disparagement from others personally and professionally, Mel proudly views her empathy as a superpower rather than a burden.
“One of my early male mentors in my corporate career saw my empathy as a problem,” Mel recounts. “It was almost used as a weapon against me.”
Listen to the butterflies in the tummy
According to the confidence guru, a silver lining from the pandemic is a newfound sense of authenticity among business owners and customers.
“People are allowed to be so much more their authentic self, whether that’s at work or whether it’s as the business owner, and it’s reflected everywhere,” Mel says. “We are showing up more raw and more vulnerable and open.”
This vulnerability, according to Mel, can positively assist our self-development. Physiologically and emotionally, being in a state of fear is similar to being in a state of excitement.
“There are a lot of messages out there, basically telling us to be fearless, but I actually disagree,” says Mel. “I think fear is there for a reason, from an evolutionary point of view, and it can serve us if we make it our friend.
“Being able to tap into your fear responses and recognise the ones that are helpful and that are going to drive your performance, versus those that are going to hinder your performance, is really important.”
Listen to Mel Schilling on the Flying Solo podcast:
Closing the confidence gap
Something that drives Mel’s work in psychology is the evident confidence gap between men and women. The current gap between the genders is rooted in the way we have been socialised since childhood.
“Generally speaking, we reward boys for being competitive and leader-like, taking risks and putting themselves out there,” Mel says. “And we reward little girls for being nurturing and friendly and connecting with others and helping others, which is more about taking the supportive role, as opposed to the leading or the confident role.”
So, how can we address this gap to ensure children are supported in their pursuits, regardless of gender? While it may be impossible to undo the social teachings of our patriarchal society overnight, Mel is sure that we can gradually, and permanently, change how we collectively approach the idea of confidence.
“We can’t change the way we’ve been socialised; we can’t change the way society and the political world and the economic world looks at women because we live within a patriarchal society,” says Mel. “But what we can change is how we respond to it and how we choose to put ourselves forward and show up in our world.”
Mel’s professional endeavours have led her to note that what people really want at the moment is a quick little confidence boost before an important event, like public speaking or a business meeting. Inspired by her observations and experiences, Mel has recently released a book to help share the lessons she’s learned throughout her career.
“Deciding to set a new boundary or to show a new level of vulnerability takes incredible courage and bravery,” Mel says. “If that is a step that someone takes after reading my book, then that is something that would make me so incredibly happy because I really see that as a real milestone in someone’s development.”
Packed full of many more insights, Mel Schilling’s book, The C Word is available now.
Mel shared lots more insights and tips on building confidence and quietening your inner critic on this episode of the Flying Solo podcast – listen now!
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