From too shy to talk to TEDx veteran: Kaley Chu on how to build confidence when you have none
Personal confidence is one of the most critical factors in building a successful business and strong network, but it doesn’t come easily to everyone. Kaley Chu knows the feeling. After years of struggling with crippling shyness, Kaley decided to have 100 lunches with strangers to build her confidence, and her story is nothing short of inspiring. She shared her astonishing journey from being too shy to talk to keynote speaker on the Flying Solo podcast.
Kaley Chu didn’t always have a confidence problem. In fact, she says it was immigrating to Australia from her native Hong Kong with her husband that sparked a shyness in Kaley that took 12 years to overcome.
“The whole world changed for me when I moved from Hong Kong to Australia to study,” Kaley reveals. “Moving country is a big thing – there’s a language barrier, and I was so scared of talking to people. It made me feel self-conscious, like I’m not enough, or that I was always being judged. So, I decided not to talk anymore, and that lasted for 12 years.”
“A moment of desperation”
Kaley credits two ‘a-ha’ moments as the catalysts for the immense change she eventually made to her life.
“I have two kids and when they were little, I would go to my mother’s group, but I was very shy, sitting in the corner. I realised that my kids were copying my behaviour. Because I wasn’t talking to other mums and was lacking confidence, they were also not interacting with the kids as much. So many little incidents made me realise I should do something.
Kaley Chu, author of 100 Lunches With Strangers
“What really broke me was when I got a new job after my second maternity leave, and I wanted to impress my boss. During a two-hour meeting, I was not able to say a single word, even though I was very prepared. Because of my extreme lack of confidence, I just froze. And from that moment on, I really wanted to change; I needed to do something about it.
“I thought, how to overcome that is to invite a hundred people with as much variety and as many different backgrounds as possible and have a chat with them. That day, I sent out 30 invitations on LinkedIn, and three people said yes.
“90 per cent of people ignored that message or were not interested or just not able to make it. The 10 per cent who said yes are the people who changed my life, and I’m forever grateful for that. I think when you’re in a moment of desperation, utilise it because that really works,” she says.
Confidence takes time – and lots of practice
Kaley admits that the first lunch with a stranger wasn’t an outstanding success, but she didn’t let it hold her back.
“I was not able to talk,” she says. “He kept trying to initiate conversation, and I gave him one-word replies, which made things awkward. But the second lunch was better than the first one, and the third one was better than the second. Experience really helped me become a better lunch guest.
“Something that I notice is that Australians are extremely friendly. You are so nice and I’m so grateful that I’m here in Australia now. Slowly I came out of my shell and was able to talk to people, and now I can’t stop talking.”
Listen to Kaley Chu on the Flying Solo podcast:
From afraid to speak, to keynote speaker
Since beginning her goal to have lunches with strangers, Kaley has not only built her confidence and language skills, but she’s also turned her journey into a book, 100 Lunches With Strangers, to help others on their confidence quests. She has even become a regular MC and keynote speaker at events, including being offered a rare invitation to become a TEDx speaker.
She says it’s the people she’s lunched with who have helped to turn her journey into a movement to change the lives of others.
“I wasn’t planning to write a book; it was just a personal challenge,” Kaley admits. “Afterwards, I typed a little article for LinkedIn to thank participants for being part of my journey and to share the lessons that I’d learned. But the first draft was three and a half thousand words. So, I decided to turn it into an eBook. And then I put in more and more and before I knew it, I accidentally wrote a book!
“Then one of my lunch guests – a marketing guru who had worked in a publishing house previously – said he could help me to publish a book. And that’s how the book was born.”
Another lunch guest just happened to be a TEDx organiser.
“If you want to be a TEDx speaker, you normally have to go through the application process, interviews and audition,” Kaley reveals. “We were talking about bucket lists, and I told him that one item on my bucket list was to speak in front of a hundred people. He saw my transformation and was there throughout my whole journey, and then few months later, he said, ‘I really like your story, come and share it on the TEDx stage’. And that’s how I got there without auditions or anything.”
Top tips for building confidence
Kaley admits that building her confidence wasn’t an easy journey, so she has some great tips to share with others who may be struggling with shyness or fear of rejection.
“My advice is to think about why you are doing it. For example, my biggest ‘why’ is my kids. I really want to be a good role model for them because if I am unable to talk to people, then what kind of role model can I be for my kids?
“What sort of outcome are you looking for? Are you looking for more friendship? Are you looking for more business opportunities?
“Then, remember that one connection can change your life. If you think about it, all the important people around us now, whether a business partner, spouse or best friend, were all strangers at one stage. So, instead of waiting for things to happen – waiting for people to approach us, waiting for opportunities to knock on the door – why not be proactive and meet more people and see what happens from there? Because you never know when your next life-changing connection will be made. So, keep looking and keep connecting with people.”
She also says authenticity and changing your focus from yourself to the people you’re speaking to can make a world of difference.
“Changing our focus to other people, that’s a fast-track tip to success,” Kaley advises. “Focus on what you can give. I used to spend a lot of time judging myself, but because I kept thinking that I’m not enough, it stopped me from doing lots of things that I wanted to do. Now, I know I make grammatical mistakes sometimes, and I don’t let them stop me anymore. I will just be myself, enjoy my life, and do my best.
“This journey changed my life in so many ways. The biggest one was that I’m able to talk to people now, and that’s fantastic. But while my initial goal was fitting into the culture and getting to know people a little bit better, I realised I can’t even fit in if I tried because everybody’s unique. And with that in mind, I became more confident within myself; I embraced my uniqueness.
“I want to help more people. I want to use my story to inspire other people to get out of their comfort zone and connect with more people so they can reach their full potential as well.”
Kaley shared loads more insights into her confidence journey in this episode of Flying Solo – listen to the full ep now.
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