Five tips to overcome your fear of rejection

Does shyness or a fear of rejection hold you back from reaching for your goals and achieving success? Kaley Chu, author of 100 Lunches With Strangers, wrote her book after leaping out of her comfort zone to lunch with complete strangers in order to help overcome her shyness. Now a keynote speaker and confidence coach, she shares the five secrets she’s learned to overcome the fear of rejection.

Did you know that even Walt Disney was fired once for lacking imagination? If we put ourselves out there, we are guaranteed to be judged, and we’ll get rejected.

In 2018, I had a new year resolution of having 100 lunches with 100 strangers to overcome my shyness. As an immigrant, English is not my first language and I lacked confidence.

When I first started my journey, more than 90 per cent of the lunch invitations I sent got either rejected or ignored. I felt discouraged and hurt. However, I’m glad I persisted because otherwise, this life-changing journey would not have happened and I would not have become who I am today.

How to overcome the fear of rejection

So, instead of avoiding the inevitable rejections, the real question is: how do we overcome our fear of rejection? Here are five critical tips to never let fear of rejection stop us from achieving our goals.

1. Don’t take things too personally, and be persistent

Have you ever received a text message, planning to reply a bit later and forgot about it? We have all done it. Whenever someone says ‘no’, there can be hundreds of different reasons, so please don’t take it personally.

If it is important to you, keep trying. When I invited Shane Jacobson for lunch, it took me seven email follow-ups before I got a ‘yes’. When we sat for lunch, his first sentence was, “I’m impressed by your persistence. I was very busy a few months ago and I’m glad we finally met.” 

2. Be stubborn about your goal but flexible in your approach

Suppose my goal is losing 10kg. Does it matter if I get there by running, swimming or doing yoga? Many people are too fixated on the ‘how’ but forget the ‘why’ and ‘what’.

When we get rejected, ask ourselves, “Are there other ways, or is there anyone else who can help us achieve our goal?’

Take the rejection as a learning opportunity to reflect and improve, then try again with someone else or use another method. There were many ways to overcome my shyness, however, as a busy mum with two young kids, I thought lunch time was the best time to work on myself. After many awkward conversations, slowly but surely, I changed and am proud of it.

Listen to Kaley Chu on the Flying Solo podcast:

3. Work on your self-confidence

The main reason rejections are painful is because of the feeling of inadequacy or unworthiness. It happens to most of us; sometimes, we might even doubt our self-worth. Please don’t.

As an immigrant, I tried very hard to ‘fit in’ and be better. However, after meeting so many people and hearing their stories, I realised I could not even fit in if I tried, because everyone’s unique.

Being confident doesn’t mean you go into a room thinking you are better (that’s arrogant!). Being confident means you go into a room and don’t need to compare because you embrace diversity. Remember, we are worthy of love and success; we are valued and important. Rejections do not define us. Have the confidence that something better is waiting for us and that we can achieve anything we want.

4. Focus on the positive

No matter how finely we slice it, there will always be two sides. Train yourself to focus on the positives and give yourself credit for trying. Feel empowered by what you have accomplished. What can you learn from this? How can you do better next time? Take this as a growing opportunity and focus on the positive end goal.

Every time I received a rejection, I had two options – dwell on the negative feeling and feel sorry for myself, or feel grateful for the 10 per cent of the people who said yes and focus on making each yes more meaningful.

5. Feel the fear but do it anyway

This one sounds clichéd but true. When I first started my lunch with strangers journey, I was terrified; then I became comfortable with it, and now I love it (350+ lunches and counting).

When I first started public speaking, I was terrified; then became comfortable with it, and now I love it (it is now my career).

If we focus on the fear, we are giving it power. Embrace the fear and I promise it will get easier.

Dealing with rejection isn’t something anyone looks forward to, but unfortunately, at times, it is an inevitable part of the process. Stay positive and keep going. Remember, the only approval that truly matters is our self-approval. Always stand up after you fall; in no time, you will become unstoppable.

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