How to insult people like a professional SEO spammer

What are SEO spam emails? They’re those unsolicited messages from individuals and companies trying to scare/cajole you into using their Search Engine Optimisation (SEO) services. These SEO spam emails are sent to masses of people at one time, with the senders usually located outside Australia.

Here’s an example:

Greetings of the day!

I explore your website and came to know that you are ranking poorly for many keywords and making several mistakes which means you are losing business to your competitors!

Offer me to analyse and figure out the factors that your website is losing from Search Engine Aspects, and take vital steps to bring back more customers and sales. I will get you on Page 1 of Google!

After speaking to you over the phone or Skype, I would be glad to provide you testimonials and case studies and a Digital Marketing Proposal of your website.

John
Business Development Manager

It’s normally followed up with a shorter, more hormonal note:

I sent you an email a few days ago and you still haven’t got back to me. Your website is still performing poorly.

Sometimes the message is incessant rather than stroppy, like this one (sent about five times a day):

Want more articles like this? Check out the business relationships section.

There is a fine line between good service and being a pain, I sent you through an email a few days ago…

You too can insult people in three easy steps

Step 1. Make it clear you’re spam

When sending your message, never address the person by their name because this indicates you’re sending an individualised email and want a genuine connection. It also runs the risk of the recipient valuing themselves as a human being.

‘Greetings of the day’ is handy because it’s broad, traverses time zones, and really, makes very little sense at all.

Step 2. Insult immediately

While the recipient is dazed and confused about what the heck ‘Greetings of the day’ means, start pelting abuse at their weakened, combusting brain. Use words such as: poor, mistakes, ashamed and pathetic.

Avoid initial pleasantries such as ‘Hope you’re well’ at all costs. You don’t want them to be well. You want them to die inside. You want their souls to be weighed down by anchor text. You want their hearts to be strangled by long-tail keywords.

Step 3. Offer hope without proof

End with wild promises without offering a skerrick of evidence. Change your name, use a Gmail account and don’t include details of your non-existent website.

Example

It’s refreshingly easy to apply the above principles to any industry or situation. Let’s say you’re a makeup artist who trawls profile pictures to find potential clients. Using the above template as a loose guide, you too can write heart-hacking sales emails.

Greetings of the day!

I was on LinkedIn and got a terrible fright when I saw your face. I thought I recognised you from somewhere. Did you play Yoda in the original Star Wars films? After seeing your bloaty eyes and greenish complexion, played it, you must?

I’m a makeup artist, and while I’m not a miracle worker or geneticist, I have industrial-strength products that may improve your ‘face’.

Please contact me by phone (NOT Skype in case I’ve just eaten). Once we’ve spoken, I’ll show you photos of people who, thanks to me, look a lot less hideous than you.

Mary
Makeup Artist Development Manager

Don’t forget to keep following up until the prospect feels a deep sense of hopelessness

Hi, I visited your LinkedIn page again and I’m afraid you’re still ugly. Time is of the essence because even your photo seems to be ageing. Call me, DON’T Skype.

Want to get started?

If you’re ready to randomly start affronting and offending strangers, say ‘hello’ to this template and ‘goodbye’ to your business. Greetings of the day!

Author’s note: This light-hearted article is of course written in a completely tongue in cheek manner. Please don’t send spam and insult people. There are so many other polite, effective and legal ways to generate business.

Do you receive these type of SEO spam emails? What are your thoughts on them?